Trigger warning: mention of depression, self-sabotage & disordered eating.
This guest feature has been written by Mandy Waryasz, founder of Inherent Worth and someone on a mission to help others live their best lives: “Here to create and share better media that empowers people to live their life in shameless authenticity”. In this feature, Mandy opens up about her self-sabotaging past and how a healing programme was what she needed to overcome her self-doubt and be able to create, connect, express and love with ease.
“…why do I keep f*cking it up?”
Back to the drawing board again. Why the hell can’t I just get it together and stick to my plan for change? I know what I want: I want to be committed. I want to focus on my art. I want to lose 10 pounds. I want to eat healthier. I want to be committed to caring about myself!
…If this is all good for me then why do I keep f*cking it up?
Depression from not being enough, distracting myself from my reality, and confusion on what the hell to do about it seemed to plague my every attempt to change.
No matter how committed I was at the start, in my head I’d be thinking, “Maybe I’m not good enough for a better life.” What sucked the most was that when going through my history, there was strong evidence to support this thought.
*Shakes etcher-sketch, sits on bed, cries, rinse, repeat.*
“I knew I wasn’t living, but I wasn’t exactly dying either“
I was in my early 20’s and feeling like I wasn’t headed in the direction that I wanted. Externally, life looked great, but on the inside I couldn’t have been farther from the person I wanted to be. People saw me as the one who got things done, the one who didn’t make mistakes, the one who was naturally good at things, the one who was so goddamn chill all the time (LO-f*cking-L).
If I had known that at the time, then I would have died from hysteria on the spot. In my reality and in my head, I was timid, terrified of really being seen, afraid of trying, afraid of failure, afraid of being found out for who I truly was or for even trying to be that person.
On the outside it was all good, but on the inside I was a girl in a deep-rooted identity crisis with no end in sight.
My exhaustion from trying was hitting its max and honestly I felt out of options. This cyclical nature of sabotage continued to happen because that’s all I knew. It went something like this: try, find some success, act as if I was undeserving of said success, talk sh*t to myself, live in fear of failure, fail, try, fail, cry, overwhelming sadness, desperation, cry, try again….wash, rinse, and REPEAT.
Giving up felt like a great solution. Why try to fully be myself when it was easier to just exist and not try at all? I had no idea what to do. I knew I wasn’t living, but I wasn’t exactly dying either. This seemingly endless purgatory felt like living hell.
“I was shattered when I learned that I was the one holding myself back from my own happiness“
Depressed, exhausted, and out of ideas, I reached out for help. I was 23 when I joined a personal healing program; a gamble, but I felt I had nowhere else to turn.
On my first call, a fire lit inside me and I joined on the spot. I was scared and unsure what lay ahead, why I felt called to it, and honestly how the f*ck I’d be able to pay for it. That being said, I felt a wave of calm come over me like I never had before. There might finally be a solution to my suffering, a light at the end of a long dark sad-ass tunnel. Is this what living felt like?
The course was messy, confusing, and vulnerable. I was shattered when I learned that I was the one holding myself back from my own happiness and keeping myself small (I will need a whole other blog post to even begin to dive into this…).
I learned how to be with myself. How to care for myself. How to show up. How to navigate through past negative experiences that were keeping me from feeling satisfied in my present.
I had a taste of this new reality and there was no way in hell I was going back. From then on, I was committed. To learning. To loving. To living.
“I was allowing myself to exist to live in a state of love and presence”
Although healing from my past was heavy, I felt a relief in my life that I never had before. I was finally here, existing, from a place of wholeness; not desperation or lack. Not trying, not progressing from a place of fear and not needing anything. I was allowing myself to exist to live in a state of love and presence. It was once I began to be present, get curious and start navigating my reality from a place of love and fullness that everything around me began to shift (it felt just as magical and unbelievable as it sounds…I know).
It wasn’t until I began looking within myself through the guided perspective of others that answers started to click for me. A healthy and fulfilling way of life that seemed so intangible for me at the start, began to slowly seep its way into my focus. Creating, connecting, expressing and loving all became natural to me in due time and all contributed to the thriving reality I feel today. This is my greatest achievement.
It is my hope that from this feature you take the initiative to get intimate with your deeper self. There is no way to thrive externally if you aren’t at peace internally. You might ‘get the things’, but you’ll never feel truly satisfied.
Lean into your fear. Lean into your expansion.
Lean into your discomfort and your joy. Get crystal clear on what is actually going on under the surface.
Ask why and get curious. Allow yourself to speak.
Wishing you the best in your journey. Stay tuned and stay curious.
Thank you Mandy, for sharing your story! Readers can connect with the author via Instagram (@inherent_worth). Also, make sure to sign up for Inherent Worth updates on the site inherentworth.life. Lots of cool stuff coming up!
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